Silence can be golden

I frequently recall writer Kara Brown, in response to much of the nonsense on the Internet and social media, reminding us that “sometimes it is fine to just say nothing.” She is 100% correct. Not every occasion demands that we share our opinion, whether that is with one person, a small group, or the entire world via an online post.

While it may at first blush seem flippant, I think that there is a core etiquette principle behind Ms. Brown’s statement. There are times that what we say will not improve the situation at hand, and no matter how “true” or “accurate” could actually make things seem a lot worse.

As an example, how many times have you encountered a situation when someone in your life (or you!) made a mistake that was pretty predictable? It happens to all of us. So, while it might be “true” to say something like “you could have avoided that by doing X,” or “you need to make sure you do Y in the future,” is it really helpful at the moment? Is it considerate of what the person is feeling at that time, or will it serve only to make them feel even worse about their mistake? Think about whether your remark will help to improve the situation before you say it.

I am most certainly not perfect at this, but I try to ask myself a couple of questions to help assess whether it is a time that “it is fine to just say nothing.”

First, does this thing need to be said?

The answer might be “no, saying this is unnecessary.” If so, heed that little voice that should be in your head telling you to keep the thoughts to yourself. It should tell you if your comment is only going to inflame the matter at hand.

Sometimes the answer is “yes,” regardless of whether it could come across as criticism. There could be an urgency or a safety issue, and if so, then proceed knowing that there could be some volatile emotions that follow. But assuming that it is not an emergency that requires very quick action, take a breath and ask yourself the next question…

Does this need to be said right now?

You might have very good advice or a cogent point that would help the person to avoid similar problems in the future. However, in the heat of a difficult moment, it could be best to tuck that comment away for a time when they will be in a state of mind that they can hear it in the spirit that you intend. The etiquette principles of respect and consideration encourage us to think about the right time and place to give suggestions, advice, or feedback in a way that the recipient will be prepared and ready to receive it.

If you find yourself feeling awkward by saying nothing at all, consider how you might respond in a way that is respectful of the person who is likely in an emotional state.

“How can I help?”

“What could I do to make things better?”

An open (and genuine) offer of help is likely to be accepted more readily than a reflection on what should have been done instead.

Civility is so desperately needed in our world. Every little action we take to be more civil and to be more considerate of others will contribute to a kinder environment.