Personal Pronouns: A Primer
Increasingly we are seeing individuals share their personal pronouns in social and business situations. They might appear on an email signature, the name section of a videoconference window, business card, social media handle, and many other communications. And a person you meet might include their pronouns when they tell you their name.
Why are people sharing their pronouns?
First, sharing pronouns tells others how you want to be addressed. Just like sharing your name so that people know what to call you, sharing your pronouns tells them how to identify you especially when they speak about you to someone else.
Second, sharing pronouns can be a way to confirm how you identify particularly when those who do not know you cannot guess based only your name. Maybe your name is not widely associated with “he” or “she,” or it is a name from another culture that they are not familiar with. Including your pronouns is a tool for others to know more about how you identify in the world.
Third, those who may still feel connected to one of the well-known and traditional binary pronouns create a safe and open environment by sharing their pronouns and supporting nonbinary, transgender, and others who do not identify with binary pronouns to be able to share theirs.
What are the personal pronouns?
The traditional binary pronouns are he/him/his and she/her/hers. These are still the most commonly used pronouns, although this will likely change over time.
The most well-known nonbinary pronouns are they/them/their. While used for groups of people (plural pronouns), these are also used to identify a person when you either do not know their gender or for those who tell you that they prefer they/them instead of a binary pronoun.
Newer nonbinary personal pronouns are emerging: ze/zem/zir (say “zee,” “zihm,” “zeer”) and xe/xem/xyr (say “zay,” “zehm,” “zayhr”).
You may also meet people who do not use pronouns, but instead use their name only. An example of this: instead of saying “Michael parked their car in the driveway” you would say “Michael parked Michael’s car in the driveway.”
What about the “grammar argument?”
I have encountered situations in which people tell me that they cannot use “they” to refer to one person because “that is against everything I learned in the rules of grammar.” I do not agree with this reasoning or excuse to avoid using the correct pronouns for a person. Grammar changes over the years. In fact, it is of note that “they” was used in English as a singular pronoun for centuries. But more importantly, a grammar rule does not outweigh treating people with respect.
When someone tells us how they want to be addressed, we respect their wishes and their identity by using that name or the pronouns they give us. It is part of being considerate and kind to others.
What do I do if I use the wrong pronouns?
Just as you would if you used the wrong name (calling someone Colleen instead of Catherine, as an example), simply apologize and correct yourself. If they correct you, be gracious and genuine with your apology and commitment to get it right in the future. We all make mistakes, and it is how we recover from them that shows our character.
I have adopted the practice of using they/them pronouns in writing and speaking rather than “he or she” or “her or him.” I believe that this fosters inclusivity and respect. I also share my pronouns when I am communicating in writing and when I introduce myself. While it may not be necessary, so to speak, because I appear traditionally feminine and use “she/her” pronouns, when I provide my own pronouns I tell others that I am open to receiving theirs.
What other nonbinary pronouns have you encountered? What are you doing to learn more about how to be a kind and welcoming person to those of all genders?