Why does etiquette matter?

There are probably as many opinions about etiquette as there are people in this world! With rather a small amount of effort, you can find myriad resources to tell you why a vast number of people think etiquette is important.

So, with all humility, I will add my voice to the discussion.

Etiquette has the reputation of stuffiness, extreme formality (often to a fault), and being exclusive or elitist. Due to the ways that etiquette has been portrayed or, sadly, at times wielded against others, I can’t say that this reputation is completed undeserved. Thus I think that it is high time that etiquette gets a reputational makeover.

Instead of being a way to make oneself feel superior to others, etiquette should be about making others feel at ease. One of my favorite ways to describe etiquette comes from The Emily Post Institute: consideration, respect, and honesty.

Consideration for others should be at the heart of etiquette. How are you welcoming another person, whether into your home or to an event you are hosting? How do you make someone feel when you meet them? What do you do to put someone at ease when they are encountering a new group or situation? How do you choose to respond in a difficult or tense situation? Etiquette gives us tools to be kind and consider the feelings of others in these and many other circumstances. In this way, etiquette is transformed into the opposite of elitism or exclusivity; tools of etiquette are used to include others and make them feel comfortable.

Respect is also a pillar of etiquette and treatment of our fellow human beings. We are at our best when we think about the perspective of the other person in how they are communicating or responding to us. Putting ourselves in their shoes and trying to understand their underlying beliefs or values makes us better able to understand the other person’s position and minimizes our instinct to negatively react when they are coming at a matter from a different point of view. Additionally, thinking about how the other person would like to be treated — whether that means getting their name right, looking for ways to ensure that they have full access to join an activity or event, or considering how we can bridge cultural gaps — puts the focus on being respectful to that individual.

Honesty can be a challenge in the arena of etiquette. How honest should we be? It is kind and helpful to discreetly pull someone aside to tell them about that leaf of parsley stuck between their front teeth. It is probably not considerate or respectful to tell someone that they look terrible in an outfit they chose! Honesty does not mean being cruel or hurtful; it requires consideration of the other person and how they will feel when they find out the truth. We can incorporate all aspects of etiquette to help a person avoid embarrassment or a bad situation without hurting their feelings.

With these thoughts, I hope that etiquette can establish a new identity, not as pinky-extended haughtiness and superiority, but as gentility, civility, and openness.