Graciously Accepting Compliments

I am a huge fan of podcasts, and particularly of podcasts that focus on matters of etiquette. A recent episode of one of my favorites, Were You Raised by Wolves, included a discussion of how to accept compliments well.

I loved what hosts Leah Bonnema and Nick Leighton had to say about why it is important that we accept compliments from others with kindness and graciousness, rather than making excuses for why we aren’t as attractive, smart, or good as the compliment suggests. They are absolutely correct that it creates discomfort for the people who have given you the compliment when you essentially argue with them that they are wrong. The segment is rather a delight to hear, as they delve into a few imagined situations (plus one real instance) of how the debate can go on without end!

We all have insecurities and can feel awkward when someone says “you look really great today” or “that was a wonderful presentation.” We tend to focus on what didn’t go well or doesn’t look as nice as we would hope. However, when we respond by saying “oh, I messed up that section on handshakes” rather than simply appreciating their compliment, it forces them to (in Nick and Leah’s words) defend their position by insisting and needing to convince us that we, in fact, did a good job.

There are cultures around the world where it is considered respectful to demur when given a compliment. Cultures that are quite reserved in nature and do not tend to be very expressive fall into this category, and you might notice that compliments are not often given because they may be seen as too familiar or personal. The culture may also be one that prioritizes the group, rather than the individual, therefore compliments that draw attention to a single person can be uncomfortable. If a person receives a compliment in such a culture, the recipient is expected to show great humility and respond in a way that conveys they are not individually deserving of such praise. When dealing with other cultures, it is important to be aware that this may be the way that compliments are viewed.

In the US and other cultures that are more individualistic or more expressive, however, it is not uncommon to give and receive compliments. The proper response to a compliment is “thank you.” It does not need to be any more than that. As noted by the hosts of WYRBW, a compliment is most often not intended to start a long conversation about the topic. It is just a nice, polite thing to say, and is usually not intended by the giver to open the door to a full discussion about your shirt, tie, presentation topic, or whatever they have complimented. Brief and sincere appreciation is a full response, and allows both of you to move on to other interesting topics of conversation.