What If I Don’t Like The Food?

I frequently read the “Social Qs” column in the New York Times, and a recent one had some definite doozies! One that caught my eye was from a reader who wrote in wondering if the host of a dinner party was obligated by etiquette rules to provide a different first course because the reader did not like cold cucumber soup.

To quote some of my favorite etiquette podcasters from Were You Raised by Wolves?: “Bonkers!”

I could not believe that this was written by an adult. Simply disliking a food is not a reason for you to expect that your host will prepare you a special meal. To think that they should is remarkably rude and entitled.

First of all, you are not going to go hungry because you skip one course. You are unlikely to go hungry even if you have to skip an entire meal. This alone makes the expectation silly.

Second, your host has put in a lot of work to prepare a meal, ready their home to welcome guests, and serve the meal. To expect them to leap up and create an entirely different dish simply because you do not like what they made is rude to them and to the other guests.

Third, dislike of a food is not a catastrophe. All you have to do is sit politely and make conversation while others eat. If anyone asks you, keep it as undramatic as you can — “oh, for some reason cold soup just doesn’t agree with me,” rather than “Ugh! It makes me gag to even think of eating it! I can’t possibly!” — and move on. If the host tries to make something else, relieve them of this burden and let them know that you are fine and look forward to the next course.

There are circumstances that require alerting others of your food limitations: allergies and religious restrictions. Share these with your host ahead of time so that they are not caught off guard and can plan accordingly. However, personal likes and dislikes do not meet this threshold. Creating a meal for a group of people is challenging enough without having to navigate around Lily’s distaste for goat cheese, Arnold’s lifelong hate of asparagus, Gabriela’s refusal to consider eating broccoli, and Clarence’s distrust of leafy greens. If you have a serious food aversion issue, perhaps consider that meals away from your own home and kitchen are not the best way for you to socialize.

Allergies need to be taken seriously. They are actual life and death matters for many people, and should be treated as such. Because of this, no one should ever claim to have an allergy when they in fact only dislike a food. Doing so contributes to the cynicism that many people have about claims of food allergies, and can put those with real allergies in danger.

Religious restrictions should also be treated with respect. Let your host know if you do not consume, for example, any type of alcohol. Many flavorings for food contain alcohol, and you would not want to put yourself or your host in a terrible situation in which you accidentally consume something that violates your beliefs.

If you fall into the “I just don’t like this” category, simply avoid the food. Don’t draw attention to it or make a scene about it. And definitely don’t expect that your host should create a new meal for you in the moment. Satisfy yourself with bread or cheese if it is on the table, or wait until the next course is served.