Does etiquette require me to be a doormat?

Some articles I read recently about the virtues or lack thereof of being thick-skinned made me think about whether demonstrating etiquette inherently means that one must tolerate less than respectful behavior.

I often ask students what words come to mind when they hear the term “etiquette.” It is not unusual to hear many of the following:

• Nice

• Manners

• Polite

• Behavior

• Rules

“Nice” and “polite” are most frequent, followed closely by “manners.”

I want to delve into the idea of “nice” as part of etiquette for a bit. So back to my question: does practicing etiquette require you to be a doormat? (To readers for whom US American English is not your primary language: being a doormat is an idiom that describes letting people treat you poorly and not reacting to the bad behavior. Another similar idiom is “letting someone walk all over you.”)

I don’t think it does.

Being considerate of others means that we should not intentionally hurt their feelings. However, it does not mean that we are barred from letting them know that they have crossed a boundary and are thus being disrespectful toward us. While we frequently hear that two wrongs do not make a right (or two rudes do not make a polite), there is a way to approach another person’s rudeness that will allow one to maintain their respectful and considerate nature.

If someone makes a joke about your appearance, for example, does etiquette require that you simply smile and let the unkindness pass? I believe that the answer is no. You are allowed to stand up for yourself. I think that etiquette requires the situation to be addressed with grace and with a gentle hand, while at the same time ensuring that you are not treated poorly.

An “etiquette approved” way of handling an unkind remark about your appearance could be to speak privately to the person and convey to them that you felt hurt when they made the joke. It should be kept in mind, though, there are situations in which it might be important for you to speak up immediately so that you are advocating for not only yourself but also others who could be similarly hurt or offended by the remark.

I am a fan of “when you, I feel” statements in a difficult situation. Rather than an accusatory “you made me feel” or “you did this” approach, you are reflecting on and owning the response that you had to an action by another person.

An example:

• Accusatory version: “you made a cruel joke about my hair and insulted me in front of everyone.”

• When you - I feel version: “when you made the joking remark about my hair, I felt embarrassed in front of the group."

It also gives them space to hear how their action affected you, hopefully without the suggestion of “you intentionally hurt me by doing X.” Of course, not everyone will see it the same way, but it does allow you to confront a rudeness in a gentler manner.

Many people think of demonstrating etiquette as just “being nice” and behaving in certain ways so that others will like you. These may be byproducts of appropriate behavior, but are not the ultimate goal. Consideration and respect is not just for those who you are interacting with, but also for yourself. I hope others will not feel that they have to accept and tolerate bad behavior — be a doormat — in the name of good etiquette.